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Anime party planned for MAY 15th!!!!Reason: Amber, who moved away like 4-5 years ago will be coming to visit me May 11th (that date because it's right after her finals). Since she's missed so many parties I want to make sure she makes this year's while she's able. @Brittany - My Mom showed me the email you sent to the homeschool group. Not sure when in May you'll be leaving but I hope you can make it. This year will be epic guys. You'll see!!! ------------------ Since I'm here I might as well give an update to those who haven't heard from me for like a year >.>;; Last Summer (June?) Ravin (my boyfriend) and I spent 2 weeks at my sister's like two hours West into the mountains to be there for her while she was in labor with my second Nephew. The birth went great. His name is Xavior and he's extremely cute. I was a bit of a downer because of my anxiety... being there was hell for me, and my bro in-law didn't help one bit... or the extreme heat... or being around people all the time, or not getting personal space.. but there were a couple days that were great, like the birth and a day we drove to a really beautiful town. -- My sister + family ended up needing to move back here in Autumn and moved in with us... Uuuuugh T^T Love my sister but never want to live with her family again omg they are loud people. I always woke up to either screaming or yelling which means I woke up in really bad panic attack every day =( I didn't even eat enough because I avoided being in the kitchen while they were here >.< Yea sad, I know, but that's just me... Again, love my sister. I don't want to go through that again though lol. -- Last Autumn I got accepted for social security and am now legally disabled. Was a long process because the government works really slow but it's finally done. My panic disorder sucks troll balls but at least I have money now and have more freedom. So I pay my parents for food and such now and have been remodeling my room one step at a time. I have a new futon bed and really awesome computer desk that are so epic! I'll take pics when I get everything else I need for my room. -- Love life is still great. Some bumps here and there like Ravin being difficult lately BUT he's an amazing help. Still the best and comforting and calming me. My room wouldn't be how it is without him helping move everything and him pretty much putting my furniture together himself (that shit was complicated). And I wouldn't have most what I do now if he didn't drag me out of the house to help me go shopping lol. Alas, he's still jobless. I know he's trying and looking and applying but I get the feeling he's doing something wrong... the economy sucks, I know, but to go over a year without a job is just... doesn't seem right for someone with so much potential and capability. -- Yea, World of Warcraft still owns most of my soul. It's not as bad as some people act like it is... With someone with my condition it's nice because it gives me something to do, gives me a social life, I really enjoy it and the lore is awesome. Always loved fantasy like the stories in WoW. Kinda pisses me off when people act like because they have "a life" they're better than people that can't work and play a game. Makes me feel like scum when people gloat about their awesome school studies or great job or this wonderful trip overseas... I'm happy for them, really really am. But yay I'm scum = /. Guess you could say I'm jealous of their motivation, capabilities, and great future they're making for themselves. Whereas my motivation is nearly nonexistent aaand yea I'm disabled and can't do those kind of things. And my future is kinda dependent on my lover who can't even take care of his own life right now... Yay I'm scum >.< Eww rant. Well anyway... I'm having fun in my little distraction from life. It's fun damnit =P But even so, I've been away from the game more and more lately since I'm finally doing things for myself because I actually can buy things. -- SO! I've gotten into Shintoism lately and am really liking everything behind it and agree and have a everything in common with it. I haven't looked into religion in a long while but now I've researched quite a bit to sort of find something to follow. Because well... I felt completely let down when I figured that what I was raised with was a load of crap and the followers are some of the worst people I've met and sure as hell don't want to be associated with them. But just living in this hell of a reality without anything to trust really sucks. I'm an extremely spiritual person, I might as well make good use of it. Anyway, I'm going to study Shintoism at lot in the near future and I have the feeling that's what I'll go for. -- Remind me to NOT drink Mountain Dew before bed again... Friggin 6am omg >.< ~Night. Tags: disability, party, sister, wow
Current Mood:  restless
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._. hi guys. Long time no... everything! Wow been 8 months since I wrote a blog... Main announcement is that I'm not dead! And my birthday party has yet to happen but it will. Date is yet to be decided and invitations are still in the making. I'm aiming for mid June but not sure on anything. Well I haven't kept contact with people really. I've had a hard time with life and closed off from everyone. I feel like the reason I haven't written blogs is the fact I hate bad news and showing negativity to others. One reason I'm so nice is I never want any of those I care for to feel how I do. But between late last year and now has been miserable to me. I've lost motivation for so much. I don't do my hobbies I love, drawing, Japanese, anime, hairfalls, downloading music, keeping my room organized, experimenting and adding things to my style. None of it. Still like it but just don't feel like it. Felt like it just didn't matter. I lost motivation to try for things, my health, keeping contact, my faith in religion, faith in myself. I've lost weight, don't eat much, sleep less (There was something I found that made me go to bed earlier and it made be feel better but my parents forbit it because there are just some things more important than their daughter's health), anxiety has been worse, parents more retarded and stressful as time goes on, hate what has become of me and just feel like I've lost everything. Anxiety bad enough that I have developed I fear of people to the point that a lot of the time if I'm out in public I'll get so nervous I'll get nausious and dizzy and in some cases, like I did today in the store with Ravin, break down in tears because I just want to get away. Every day this month I'm shocked in myself that I lacked motivation to even prepare for my party, my favorite time of the year, the thing I have always felt so excited for.. It's not that I don't want to. Omg I really want to but gathering myself has been a slow process. I'm so depressed. It's only been lately that I've been pushing myself to take better care of myself. I keep my room better... Eat a little more. Been sorting my music and working on my party invitations. After a test my psychiatrist said I lack vitamin D.. lol yea cause I don't get out. But now off and on I get out for a little sunlight. I had started new meds that were for making me sleep.. stopped them though because they made me feel so sick I just couldn't do it. I'm still recovering from it.. feeling sick everyday for the past week and so so tired. In other matters. Ravin and I have still been doing great together. He keeps what little sanity I have left. He's wonderful to me and calms me everytime I'm in need. He no longer works though. He had considered joining the military but deep down doesn't want to, and I really hope he doesn't. World of Warcraft is what has been keeping me busy though. Gives me something positive to do that takes my mind away from my horrible reality. And keeps me at least having some contact with people. My sister is pregnant with her second child who is due around mid to late July. I think I will be staying with her for her birth and staying a while afterword to help out. I'm nervous about it but I really want to be there for her birth. ::sigh:: I'm so lost and don't know what to do with life. It's at a stop right now. Not that I want to get into anything.. but I just don't know what I need. I used to have a grasp of things and knew what I was fighting for. Life has completely turned around for the worse. I don't know what I want. I guess I just have to keep searching. Kk need to go to sleep. Was a random urge to let people know I'm still here and that my party is still happening. But it grew into a big blog that took a long time... Bye guys. See you eventually. Tags: health, life, party, sad
Current Location: Room, as always
Current Mood:  sleepy
Current Music: Glamorous sky - Nana movie
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Flash back time!!!!
Nyahahahahahaaaaah! Gotta love Sailor Moon! I had never watched a whole lot of the episodes before, since I didn't have cable when it was aired. Now in the past 4 days I have watched 101 episodes of Sailor Moon XD (Not only cause I want to, but I'll get to that detail later) I'm having a lot of fun with it <3 I'm watching the english first though since 1) I didn't get to see all of it in the past and 2) cause I needed to be able to just listen and not watch sometimes while I worked on something.
Most importantly!
The 3rd was Ravin's and my 2 year anniversary. I feel extra psyched this anniversary. I guess there's just extra warm fuzzies or something o.o? Or cause 2 years is such a huge deal to me *smile*. It's cool we get to celebrate it at an anime con too (this weekend). I feel so lucky to be with my Dragon. I've been having a lot of love sighs randomly from it all. Our bond has gotten a lot closer over the years and I love how much we've changed around it when I think back. I've been a lot better with things between us lately and I'm really glad of that.
You know what I'm really beating myself up over though? I remember having a great idea of what to get him... but I forgot what it was T^T I've been banging my head for the past half week trying to remember what it was. I'm sure it'll come to me eventually...
Well, Ravin works at Walmart now. I get so proud watching over him as he works. When he works he's the most hard working you will ever see. I get really impressed and happy when I see it. That's what's going on now. So that's more warm fuzzies o.o
Not to mention that boy owes me lots of gifts and dates since he's been lacking for so long Aaaaaahahahahahaah!! I'm kidding ^-^....I think... xD
Back to anime, Ravin, lil bro and I have been watching a lot lately. Every night that we can. We take turns in who chooses what series to watch. I love that I've gotten my brother borderline addicted to anime now xD I mean... he has no variety in hobbies at all. All he does is play video games and overwise is bored and lonely. So I thought anime would be good cause it'll brauden his imagination a lot and get him interested in new things, it's something us three can do together, and hey, most gamer geeks get into it eventually anyway o.o I'm giving him a head start.
We've definitely been going down memory lane in all we've been watching. Digimon 1 and 2, Escaflowne, Gundam Wing. I've been really loving it. It's my turn to pick the next one though and I haven't a clue what I want to watch x.x The main problem I'm having is finding one I want to watch that doesn't have bad perverse content or any near-nudity in general. I love showing my lil bro new things but heheh not that kind ^^;; The problem is that sort of thing is in all the good ones >.< Ravin and I talked about it and right after suggesting one we stop saying 'no wait... that has this...' (not that he would but) I dont' even want him watching Sailor Moon with me because of the near-stripper outfits the bad guys have xD So for now the good ones are just between Ravin and I.
Well back to the main reason of my Sailor Moon streak. I've been making synthetic dreads x.x They took me such a long time. I suspect I need a good steamer before I can do it in good time but for now it takes me forever. The reason I've made them, plus materials for a different kind of hairfalls, is because I'm selling them to someone who's the costume director in a play my sister is in (way out where she lives now). I've learned a lot from it so I enjoyed it. The part I got excited over is I ordered crin for her, and of course had to get some too since I haven't before. Now that I'm finally done with those I'm going to make my own for the anime convention.
Anyway, here's my very first made dread fall: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c166/NecrosisDesires/FirstDreadFall.jpg
And this is the pic the other hair fall is based off of: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c166/NecrosisDesires/Steampunk_Hair_Falls___Rae.jpg
Cool stuff.
I have more to say but it needs to wait because I feel sick at this time of night now. I think I'm sick in general cause I now start feeling tired at midnight these days. It was something that happened suddenly one day about a week ago and hasn't stopped. Gonna have to go in for it -.-;; Like always, I didn't think it would take me so long to do a blog but oh well.
Oh oh one last thing lol. Just wanted to express my deep and utter horrific saddness that I don't have any goth friends, and this is why:
http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w278/mudwulf/CruxShadows2.jpg
Favorite...Darkwave group ever...coming and...no friends. Life officially hates me.
HATES ME!!!
Tags: anime, anniversary, hair falls, ravin, sailor moon
Current Mood:  sick
Current Music: Alanis Morissette
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Wow haven't posted in a long time... Well lets see, June was a pretty miserable month. Don't know what was up but I had pretty horrible panics. I was sick with it for like 2-3 weeks. Full on paranoia I mean I was afraid to see people, too weak to do anything but small things like computer and video games, very edgy and emotional and sensitive, too depressed to sleep, eat much, care that my room is trashed (definitely not like me), or take care of myself. I still don't care much but I'm doing a little better. I lost a little bit of weight but it's no big deal. I pretty much haven't done anything but at the same time it's that I've been to weak to. Uhm well I've been trying to become a pro at this game I've been playing, Super Smash Bros Brawl. And I'm not kidding hahah. I play everyday and try to get better. I play it online and face other people. I host online tournaments and participate in them (not that I win but hey I try). Two weeks ago Ravin and I went to a tournament here in town (yes, a real one). I think there was like 70-something people. I only one my first two rounds but I did really good people were impressed. My 3rd round I had to fight a friend of ours (Nite) and he's much better than me xD 4th round I lost to a spammer...I'm not so good against them... As far as anxiety goes at that time my hands were shaking, I cried a few times from being so nervous, but otherwise I had a blast. I've been socializing with other people online that are into brawl... so I'm not absolutely away from people. I've been avoiding life pretty much as well. Not really on purpose most the time I just feel scared to talk to people. No joke, I feel full on afraid it's so stupid I hate this. Ravin's lease is over and so we moved all of his stuff and it's now here at my home. I'd say he officially lives here now. It's awesome but at the same time STILL AFTER 7 FRIGGIN MONTHS NO JOB. *Ahem* so it's incredibly stressful and absolutely RETARDED! It's stressing me out to no end and has been ever since he lost his job. He just doesn't try hard enough and it really upsets me. When he has a job is an extremely hard worker and really good and I love it. But getting a job...not a hard worker in that area and it scares me. I bloody hope he's not this way when we live on our own I couldn't handle it. Not to mention my family is sad too and that just adds more stress. I get overwhelmed just thinking about it so...I'm stopping now... Speaking of moving out- My Neechan and bro and adorable nephew have as and are living here in the pop-up in the backyard until they can figure out how they're going to move to where they want. Which is really far away... Truthfully I hope they're only there for 6 months just like any lease but I doubt it'll happen. They're moving 6 hours away... I'm happy for them if they love it up there though they just better pay for me to visit them ^~ hahah. Uhm I don't remember if I said this before but I have my health insurance back so that's all clear now. And I'm seeing my therapist again every now and then and she is awesome xD She's the most awesome professional therapist ever lol. But I have another therapist too that's my friend Kiko. He talks for free but I'm not gonna let that happen xD We have like... 3-5 page long conversations it's insane but funny. He's awesome too xP The heat has been getting to me uuuuugh T-T. Doesn't help at all. But at least I'm feeling a little better today. Oh yah and my Mother is still ditzy as hell and doesn't listen to a word anyone says. Makes all us kids sad (Shadow, Ravin, and I). She needs a wake up pill of some kind I'm bloody serious. That's me right now. ...I hate how my life is -.-;; Tags: brawl, move, panic
Current Mood: numb
Current Music: Hard Trance
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