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._. hi guys. Long time no... everything! Wow been 8 months since I wrote a blog... Main announcement is that I'm not dead! And my birthday party has yet to happen but it will. Date is yet to be decided and invitations are still in the making. I'm aiming for mid June but not sure on anything. Well I haven't kept contact with people really. I've had a hard time with life and closed off from everyone. I feel like the reason I haven't written blogs is the fact I hate bad news and showing negativity to others. One reason I'm so nice is I never want any of those I care for to feel how I do. But between late last year and now has been miserable to me. I've lost motivation for so much. I don't do my hobbies I love, drawing, Japanese, anime, hairfalls, downloading music, keeping my room organized, experimenting and adding things to my style. None of it. Still like it but just don't feel like it. Felt like it just didn't matter. I lost motivation to try for things, my health, keeping contact, my faith in religion, faith in myself. I've lost weight, don't eat much, sleep less (There was something I found that made me go to bed earlier and it made be feel better but my parents forbit it because there are just some things more important than their daughter's health), anxiety has been worse, parents more retarded and stressful as time goes on, hate what has become of me and just feel like I've lost everything. Anxiety bad enough that I have developed I fear of people to the point that a lot of the time if I'm out in public I'll get so nervous I'll get nausious and dizzy and in some cases, like I did today in the store with Ravin, break down in tears because I just want to get away. Every day this month I'm shocked in myself that I lacked motivation to even prepare for my party, my favorite time of the year, the thing I have always felt so excited for.. It's not that I don't want to. Omg I really want to but gathering myself has been a slow process. I'm so depressed. It's only been lately that I've been pushing myself to take better care of myself. I keep my room better... Eat a little more. Been sorting my music and working on my party invitations. After a test my psychiatrist said I lack vitamin D.. lol yea cause I don't get out. But now off and on I get out for a little sunlight. I had started new meds that were for making me sleep.. stopped them though because they made me feel so sick I just couldn't do it. I'm still recovering from it.. feeling sick everyday for the past week and so so tired. In other matters. Ravin and I have still been doing great together. He keeps what little sanity I have left. He's wonderful to me and calms me everytime I'm in need. He no longer works though. He had considered joining the military but deep down doesn't want to, and I really hope he doesn't. World of Warcraft is what has been keeping me busy though. Gives me something positive to do that takes my mind away from my horrible reality. And keeps me at least having some contact with people. My sister is pregnant with her second child who is due around mid to late July. I think I will be staying with her for her birth and staying a while afterword to help out. I'm nervous about it but I really want to be there for her birth. ::sigh:: I'm so lost and don't know what to do with life. It's at a stop right now. Not that I want to get into anything.. but I just don't know what I need. I used to have a grasp of things and knew what I was fighting for. Life has completely turned around for the worse. I don't know what I want. I guess I just have to keep searching. Kk need to go to sleep. Was a random urge to let people know I'm still here and that my party is still happening. But it grew into a big blog that took a long time... Bye guys. See you eventually. Tags: health, life, party, sad
Current Location: Room, as always
Current Mood:  sleepy
Current Music: Glamorous sky - Nana movie
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Flash back time!!!!
Nyahahahahahaaaaah! Gotta love Sailor Moon! I had never watched a whole lot of the episodes before, since I didn't have cable when it was aired. Now in the past 4 days I have watched 101 episodes of Sailor Moon XD (Not only cause I want to, but I'll get to that detail later) I'm having a lot of fun with it <3 I'm watching the english first though since 1) I didn't get to see all of it in the past and 2) cause I needed to be able to just listen and not watch sometimes while I worked on something.
Most importantly!
The 3rd was Ravin's and my 2 year anniversary. I feel extra psyched this anniversary. I guess there's just extra warm fuzzies or something o.o? Or cause 2 years is such a huge deal to me *smile*. It's cool we get to celebrate it at an anime con too (this weekend). I feel so lucky to be with my Dragon. I've been having a lot of love sighs randomly from it all. Our bond has gotten a lot closer over the years and I love how much we've changed around it when I think back. I've been a lot better with things between us lately and I'm really glad of that.
You know what I'm really beating myself up over though? I remember having a great idea of what to get him... but I forgot what it was T^T I've been banging my head for the past half week trying to remember what it was. I'm sure it'll come to me eventually...
Well, Ravin works at Walmart now. I get so proud watching over him as he works. When he works he's the most hard working you will ever see. I get really impressed and happy when I see it. That's what's going on now. So that's more warm fuzzies o.o
Not to mention that boy owes me lots of gifts and dates since he's been lacking for so long Aaaaaahahahahahaah!! I'm kidding ^-^....I think... xD
Back to anime, Ravin, lil bro and I have been watching a lot lately. Every night that we can. We take turns in who chooses what series to watch. I love that I've gotten my brother borderline addicted to anime now xD I mean... he has no variety in hobbies at all. All he does is play video games and overwise is bored and lonely. So I thought anime would be good cause it'll brauden his imagination a lot and get him interested in new things, it's something us three can do together, and hey, most gamer geeks get into it eventually anyway o.o I'm giving him a head start.
We've definitely been going down memory lane in all we've been watching. Digimon 1 and 2, Escaflowne, Gundam Wing. I've been really loving it. It's my turn to pick the next one though and I haven't a clue what I want to watch x.x The main problem I'm having is finding one I want to watch that doesn't have bad perverse content or any near-nudity in general. I love showing my lil bro new things but heheh not that kind ^^;; The problem is that sort of thing is in all the good ones >.< Ravin and I talked about it and right after suggesting one we stop saying 'no wait... that has this...' (not that he would but) I dont' even want him watching Sailor Moon with me because of the near-stripper outfits the bad guys have xD So for now the good ones are just between Ravin and I.
Well back to the main reason of my Sailor Moon streak. I've been making synthetic dreads x.x They took me such a long time. I suspect I need a good steamer before I can do it in good time but for now it takes me forever. The reason I've made them, plus materials for a different kind of hairfalls, is because I'm selling them to someone who's the costume director in a play my sister is in (way out where she lives now). I've learned a lot from it so I enjoyed it. The part I got excited over is I ordered crin for her, and of course had to get some too since I haven't before. Now that I'm finally done with those I'm going to make my own for the anime convention.
Anyway, here's my very first made dread fall: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c166/NecrosisDesires/FirstDreadFall.jpg
And this is the pic the other hair fall is based off of: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c166/NecrosisDesires/Steampunk_Hair_Falls___Rae.jpg
Cool stuff.
I have more to say but it needs to wait because I feel sick at this time of night now. I think I'm sick in general cause I now start feeling tired at midnight these days. It was something that happened suddenly one day about a week ago and hasn't stopped. Gonna have to go in for it -.-;; Like always, I didn't think it would take me so long to do a blog but oh well.
Oh oh one last thing lol. Just wanted to express my deep and utter horrific saddness that I don't have any goth friends, and this is why:
http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w278/mudwulf/CruxShadows2.jpg
Favorite...Darkwave group ever...coming and...no friends. Life officially hates me.
HATES ME!!!
Tags: anime, anniversary, hair falls, ravin, sailor moon
Current Mood:  sick
Current Music: Alanis Morissette
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Wow haven't posted in a long time... Well lets see, June was a pretty miserable month. Don't know what was up but I had pretty horrible panics. I was sick with it for like 2-3 weeks. Full on paranoia I mean I was afraid to see people, too weak to do anything but small things like computer and video games, very edgy and emotional and sensitive, too depressed to sleep, eat much, care that my room is trashed (definitely not like me), or take care of myself. I still don't care much but I'm doing a little better. I lost a little bit of weight but it's no big deal. I pretty much haven't done anything but at the same time it's that I've been to weak to. Uhm well I've been trying to become a pro at this game I've been playing, Super Smash Bros Brawl. And I'm not kidding hahah. I play everyday and try to get better. I play it online and face other people. I host online tournaments and participate in them (not that I win but hey I try). Two weeks ago Ravin and I went to a tournament here in town (yes, a real one). I think there was like 70-something people. I only one my first two rounds but I did really good people were impressed. My 3rd round I had to fight a friend of ours (Nite) and he's much better than me xD 4th round I lost to a spammer...I'm not so good against them... As far as anxiety goes at that time my hands were shaking, I cried a few times from being so nervous, but otherwise I had a blast. I've been socializing with other people online that are into brawl... so I'm not absolutely away from people. I've been avoiding life pretty much as well. Not really on purpose most the time I just feel scared to talk to people. No joke, I feel full on afraid it's so stupid I hate this. Ravin's lease is over and so we moved all of his stuff and it's now here at my home. I'd say he officially lives here now. It's awesome but at the same time STILL AFTER 7 FRIGGIN MONTHS NO JOB. *Ahem* so it's incredibly stressful and absolutely RETARDED! It's stressing me out to no end and has been ever since he lost his job. He just doesn't try hard enough and it really upsets me. When he has a job is an extremely hard worker and really good and I love it. But getting a job...not a hard worker in that area and it scares me. I bloody hope he's not this way when we live on our own I couldn't handle it. Not to mention my family is sad too and that just adds more stress. I get overwhelmed just thinking about it so...I'm stopping now... Speaking of moving out- My Neechan and bro and adorable nephew have as and are living here in the pop-up in the backyard until they can figure out how they're going to move to where they want. Which is really far away... Truthfully I hope they're only there for 6 months just like any lease but I doubt it'll happen. They're moving 6 hours away... I'm happy for them if they love it up there though they just better pay for me to visit them ^~ hahah. Uhm I don't remember if I said this before but I have my health insurance back so that's all clear now. And I'm seeing my therapist again every now and then and she is awesome xD She's the most awesome professional therapist ever lol. But I have another therapist too that's my friend Kiko. He talks for free but I'm not gonna let that happen xD We have like... 3-5 page long conversations it's insane but funny. He's awesome too xP The heat has been getting to me uuuuugh T-T. Doesn't help at all. But at least I'm feeling a little better today. Oh yah and my Mother is still ditzy as hell and doesn't listen to a word anyone says. Makes all us kids sad (Shadow, Ravin, and I). She needs a wake up pill of some kind I'm bloody serious. That's me right now. ...I hate how my life is -.-;; Tags: brawl, move, panic
Current Mood: numb
Current Music: Hard Trance
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Ten of you have been tagged. ;p So go repost this; Write ten random facts about yourself, then tag ten other people. 1. I hate living in a desert. There's no water at all! ::sad face::
2. People literally make me paranoid. I stay away...
3. I can't wash dishes without shoes on O-O;; Weird I know xD 4. I believe that everything people live off of is love. There's so many different kinds that make up every single emotion both good and bad.
Message me if you want to talk about it.
5. College is overrated.
6. I question if there even is real food in America anymore. Real as in untouched by chemicals and artificial-....who knows what...
7. Do not let the spiritual world be too far away. It's the closest to reality you will ever get.
8. The day the world shapes up and makes sense is the day everyone works for free.
9. Normal people are the most boring creatures on earth...
10. Ravin is the light of my life and the fruit to my health.
Let's see if I can tag people who HAVEN'T done this already: 1. Ravin
2. Crystal
3. Brittany
4. Alyssa
5. Amber
6. Meghan
7. Meagen
8. Ali
9. Laura
10. Debra
And anyone else who wants to, I guess. Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Brawl Theme
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